THE CALCUTTA FOOTBALL SONG

Football is the greatest game
Where two teams play for name and fame
And glory (and no little profit!)
Or simply for the great fun of it.

Eleven players play for each side
Some stay central, some run wide.
They strive, they feint, they slog and sweat
To put the ball in the other’s net.

In their midst is a man in black
He has a whistle, his whip to crack;
He controls play as well he can
And ensures fair play to a man.

But when you consider Calcutta
The game’s handled by GG Gutta;
Apparently, his one big aim
Is to shame this glorious game.

Thus fixtures come and fixtures go,
The programme changes ever mo’
He uses pencil – easy rub;
And all to suit a certain club.

He fixes all the referees
To put that club in splendid ease;
The rules are bent with non-chalance
To give that club another chance.

The transfer laws are ignored, too,
To benefit, well, you know who!
Thus, he’s simply put to shame
Football, this fantastic game.

A Lament - Very Impotent

Years ago, when I was young
I thought myself as, oh, well hung,
Until one splendid August's day
I went with Bob to good old Kay.

There I learnt I'm average, just,
But size is not what counts in lust.
I still enjoyed my jive and bounce;
Life was full of ups and downs.

Now I grow old and older still,
The won't gets stronger than the will.
As I await the final thaw,
My member follows Newton's Law.

Freakipedia - Diatribe

Here is the www dot freakipedia dot orgy entry on Diatribe:

Many years ago, in the dim and distant past, there lived a certain tribe which inhabited the desert of Kalahari, long before it even became a desert. The founder of this tribe was Dia-Nosaur. He was awesome. Then he became extinct. The new leader was a strange creature who simply refused to have the tribal drink of honeyed maple syrup. His name was Dia-Betik. He was followed by Dia-Meter, who measured the tribal circle. Then Dia-Gnosis inherited the leadership, and immediately declared himself malignant. He was followed by Dia-Lysis, who added tubes to all the tribal wells. Next came Dia-Orrhea, who let loose, which gave rise to a great stink and the whole tribe became extinct As usual, there was one exception. The exception became an ape, and was known as Harangue Otan for some reason.

All this is part of history, though forgotten. You don’t have to thank me for reviving this particular part of history, I’m doing it as a public service. (Thank you, Paul David of Sydney, NSW.)