The Peanuts Party of India

At last a meaningful new political party is being formed to really take India into this new millennium. It is the Peanuts Party of India (PPI). Its authorised election symbol is to be a paper bag (thonga) of Peanuts. It is a symbol in more senses than one.

For over fifty years independent Indians have been voting to elect different politicians of various parties to the Parliament and to several Legislative Assemblies. For over fifty years they have queued and toiled to vote in poll after poll to elect thousands and thousands of politicians. What have these people got in return of their labour? Peanuts. So now they have the opportunity to stamp on the peanuts symbol. For once the voter shall know (officially) what he or she is voting for.

Then there are the millions of non-voters. What have they done for our great democracy by not voting in election after election? Peanuts. So now they too can come forward and actively take part in the political process and stamp on the peanuts symbol, thereby registering their protests in a meaningful manner. The PPI is the proper vehicle for demonstrating their apathy.

Here are some pertinent points from the PPI manifesto:

• If and when elected to power, the PPI shall instruct all members to sleep soundly. Parliament shall once again become a peaceful place. Suitable legislation shall be passed to make sure that only the Speaker speaks in Parliament. Everyone else shall have to be either listeners, or sleepers.
• The PPI shall repair all pigeon-holes in the Parliament House to prevent infiltration by both sparrows and hawks.
• The PPI shall abolish the Income Tax Department, since the cost of maintaining the Department far exceeds the revenue generated. The money thus saved will be distributed equally among party cadres with the right connections.
• The PPI shall pass legislation to have 100% seats in all educational institutions reserved for the Backward Classes. Each and every citizen of India shall be declared a Backward Class by himself, or herself, and shall be eligible for reservation.
• The PPI shall legalise 'Satta' and collect taxes from these legitimate games, thereby running all 'Satta' Dons out of business. That should give rise to better films from Bollywood.
• The PPI shall disband all police forces, whereby the crime rate in the country should be reduced by 80% in three weeks' time. The money thus saved would be diverted to the poorest country in the world - Switzerland.
• The PPI shall instruct all its ministers to let the government be run by the bureaucrats, which is what happens anyway. The ministers can concentrate fully on wealth collection, thereby contributing meaningfully to the growth in the GDP.
• The PPI shall just do it. Impossible in nothing wrong.

We’ve already had a pee-nut as a PM, so why not a pea-nut?

Competition

Here is a competition for all literary people:

The following poem was found written on the wall of a public toilet many years ago. No one knows who the poet was; there was also no title. However, it is probably one of the finest short poems you are ever likely to read.

THE POEM

Here I sit,
Broken hearted;
Came to shit –
Only farted.

Poetry such as this should not be allowed to die without a title. Readers are requested to read the poem carefully, ponder upon it, scratch their what-nots, and suggest a suitable title for the poem. Unlike the poet’s bowels, this competition is completely open, each reader can suggest as many names as he or she likes.

The competition shall be known as the ENTITLEMENT COMPETITION. We propose to have more such competitions in future. Results would probably be announced on some suitable date.

All the suitable answers will be duly forwarded to Ian Patrick Daley, CEO and General Secretary of I.P.D.L.E. (International Portmanteau for Dissipated Literary Excellence.)

I.P. Daley is someone I greatly admire.

Feel What You Can't See

(With due apologies to Christina Georgina Rossetti)

Who has seen the wind?
Neither I nor you,
But when there is an awkward noise
The wind is passing through.

Who has seen the wind?
Neither you nor I,
But when it smells of rotten eggs
The wind is passing by.

Marxism

Many, many years ago Groucho Marx described politics as, "the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, then misapplying the wrong medicine."

In those days people laughed at his wit. A few centuries ago he would have been roasted at the stake, at Salem and elsewhere, for his uncanny foresight. Today he would probably have received the Nobel Prize for Literature. (Truth prevails only in fiction, these days.)

As I re-read Marx’s definition, I realise that we should all be Marxists!!

Make way, Karl!

Bits of History - Koh-i-Noor

In 1857 the Sepoy Mutiny shook the British in India badly; the East India Company was removed as nominal rulers of India and was replaced by the British Crown. However, the famous diamond, Koh-i-Noor, (meaning Mountain of Light) was taken from Lahore (from the child king of Punjab, Maharaja Duleep Singh, son of Maharaja Runjeet Singh) in 1849, eight years before the Mutiny. So it was never really the Jewel in the Crown but it surely became an integral part of the British Crown Jewels, and is still displayed in the Tower of London.

Over the years several Indians have tried to get the Koh-i-Noor back to India, but in vain. As a result, disgusted Indians planned a suitable revenge on the British. They invented a special brand of condom and named it Koh-i-Noor. The Mountain of Light was replaced by the Fountain of Tight.

(But the original wasn’t lubricated, except when swallowed.)

Bits of History - Irish Problem

It was in the Fifth century AD that St. Patrick introduced Christianity to Ireland, or so it is said. He was born in Britain of wealthy parents. His father was a Christian deacon. At the age of 16 he was abducted by some Irish raiders who were attacking his family’s estates. He was taken to Ireland and was a prisoner for six years. During that period he turned to religion and became a devout Christian. He then escaped to Britain where a voice told him in his dreams to go back to Ireland and spread the gospel. For the next 15 years he studied religion vigorously and was finally ordained as a priest. He then returned to Ireland and began to convert the Irish.

Thus it is not strictly true that St. Patrick introduced Christianity to Ireland, but he sure contributed massively to its spread all over Ireland, North and South, thereby giving the Irish a reason to fight each other for ever.

(What were the Irish before they became Christians?)

Bits of History - Pluck Yew

The year was 1415, the scene was the Battle of Agincourt, between the French and the English.

The French, predicting a victory due to overwhelming numbers, bragged that they would cut off the middle finger of any English soldier they captured. Thus it would be extremely difficult for those finger-less men to draw the infamous English longbows in future battles.

The longbow was made from the English yew tree and drawing the weapon became known as "plucking yew."

In a major upset the English defeated the French and the archers mocked them, waving their middle fingers at the enemy, shouting, "See, we can still pluck yew! Pluck yew!"

Over the years "pluck yew" became "f**k you" because it is easier to pronounce, and because chicken farmers objected to the former terminology being given a sexual connotation.

(Then what does ‘plucky’ mean? I wonder!)

New TOPIC

Wherever you discuss anything, at some point there is always a clamour for a new topic. When you take the word 'TOPIC' and write it anew, you get several possible words, some with meaning and some without. We shall examine a few new 'TOPIC's.

TOPIC = COP IT
'Cop it' usually means die. When we say, "Cop it!", we mean, "Die!" or "Perish!" or some such thing. Though 'cop' on its own might mean police, the police may not have any role to play in "cop it" unless it is a case of police brutality to the extreme.

TOPIC = CO PIT
Co-pit is what a pit calls a nearby pit, within the same boundary. A coal pit in a colliery may call another coal pit 'co-pit' instead of 'coal pit' without prejudice.

TOPIC = PICOT
Picot is something to do with needling, when needling stays needling and does not degenerate into ragging. It is actually a series of small embroidered loops forming an ornamental edging on some ribbon and lace. It comes from old French where pic means point and piquer means prick (pique.) No, not that.

TOPIC = TICOP
TICOP is the acronym for Tourism Industry Code of Practice. It is a sensational code, though why sensational, I've forgotten. By this code, guests' satisfaction is monitored regularly, though don't ask me how.

TOPIC = PI COT
This is a cot built in the shape of the Greek letter Pi. Quite a shape, wouldn't you say? The proportions are 22 by 7. However, just as a pi dog is a dog deranged, so the pi cot is better avoided to avoid nightmares.

TOPIC = COPTI
This is an endearing way to call a policeman, as in "Hey, copti, please find me my shoe." The reactions of individual policemen may vary, though. It is better to remember that a touch of a policeman may lead to 36 wounds, so perhaps it's prudent to avoid this particular form of endearment.

TOPIC = OPTIC
Optic is to do with the eye, or vision. However, a man of vision need not be described as an optic man. Also, when we say, he or she is an eyeful, it is better not to describe him or her as an optic person. Otherwise, optic is of or to do with eye or vision.

TOPIC = ICPOT
ICPOT or IC-POT is the acronym of Interexchange Carrier's Point of Termination. It is terrifically exciting in some vague way.
IC-POT is also that quaint brownish piece of fixture that you may find in a toilet aboard an Indian Airlines flight. Don't fear, recent research has shown typing on your computer keyboard may lead to more diseases than sitting on an IC-POT.

TOPIC = TIPCO
At last a word with no apparent meaning, though there is a food company in Thailand called TIPCO.

TOPIC = IPCOT
IPCOT stands for In-Place Consecutive Overseas Tour. It is a military term. It leads to a happy married life.

TOPIC = PIOCT
This is one of those terms which seem to mean something spectacular. However, nothing comes of it.

TOPIC = O PICT
This is how one addressed certain ancient people in Northern Britain. It sounds Shakespearean, but it is actually much older.

TOPIC = OI PCT
This is a rather stern way of addressing PCT, or per cent, also called per centum. One can also address someone from the Pennsylvania College of Technology in the same stern manner.

TOPIC = IC-PTO
This is an integrated circuit where each code is apparently written on the other side, so you just have to keep turning it over. Don’t do this in public, however, you might get committed.

TOPIC = OCTIP
This shall become the acronym for the Oriental College of Technology, Information & Para-medicine, once it is formed.

Dog is God and God is Dog

My friend Baptu is an accountant with J Thomas in Calcutta. One day he was sitting on a park bench (a la Aqualung) with his Racing Guides, trying to forecast some winners for the afternoon races. Suddenly he felt something warm on his right foot. Looking down, he saw a stray dog peeing on his leg. After chasing the dog away, Battu finalised his choices for the afternoon. That day he had five winners in seven races!

Recently Baptu sent a mail to our school mail group lamenting the fact that his form has been miserable of late, compared to that fateful day’s. It seems that on the morning of every race day he now goes with his Guides to that same park bench, but alas, no dog has ever peed on his leg again to turn his luck.

This poem was written in response:

(Is this a doggerel?)

Dog is God

How I wish that dog would pee,
Think how happy I shall be,
Instead, I get 'TALLY 4',
Office seems a dreadful bore.

Accounting for those careless fools,
My brain stagnates, my member drools;
My eyes go bumptiy, bumpity, bump;
Umpteen boils adorn my rump.

Vodka offers no escape,
I can do but smoke and gape,
Or chat with endless unknown men,
Mailing Pointers now and then.

So I pray, "Dog, come, please pee.
Make me rich as Croesus be,
Remove this awful, fundless fog."
Dog is God and God is dog.

"O dog, come! Release your pee!
Let the jackpot embrace me,
So I can go sleep like a log."
Dog is God and God is dog.